


Adrift

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Spirits and Cocaine [31]
Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Getting Together, Guilt, I'm so sorry, Idiots in Love, Infidelity, Internal Conflict, M/M, One Shot, another from the drafts, as close to communication as they can get
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 16:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30024699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: Javier can only hope none of this is his fault.
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Series: Spirits and Cocaine [31]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100027
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Adrift

**Author's Note:**

> So another I've pulled from the drafts folders and so is not that great. I'm sorry for this. When I have writer's block I literally write my way out of it lmao.

The table was littered with files and photographs, gruesome deaths staring back at them and words swimming before their eyes as he and Steve slowly worked their way through testimony after testimony, compared satellite imagery and listened with closed eyes to the recordings from the fly by planes. This was a desperate bid and they both knew it, trying to parse out a lead from the insane amount of information at their fingertips, information that had been all but useless these past couple of weeks.

Steve’s chair was pressed right up close to him, legs tangled beneath the table, and it was obvious, far too obvious when they were sitting in his apartment with his wife and child only a couple of thin walls away. Still, he said nothing, sipping from his beer bottle and trying not to drown in the warmth of his partner's body next to him and the shame curling deep in his gut.

It wasn’t as though they had really done anything. They had shared looks and touches that were starting to border on the other side of casual and Javier knew Steve was having problems with Connie and he hoped he wasn’t making it worse. He probably was, found himself weak in the face of Steve’s good-natured ribbing and lingering gazes, was helpless to the too tight hugs and hands on his shoulders.

He liked to think they were both better men than that.

“There’s nothing here,” Steve groaned, leaning back in his chair.

“You’re surprised?”

His partner grimaced, ran a hand through his hair, “all this shit and nothing? Yeah, I’m surprised we’ve wasted time on all this intel.”

Javier shrugged and took another sip of his beer, “it might be usual to somebody, someday, just not to us.”

“Thanks,” Steve muttered, sounding far from happy about it. “Very helpful.”

Sighing, Javier quickly downed the rest of his beer and glanced at the clock, found it was later than he’d thought, nearly one in the morning and they both needed to get some rest. Still, he hesitated, just for a moment, reluctant to leave Steve’s side even though he’d see him in the morning. That realization itself was disturbing, the fact that he could crave somebody so much that he’d loathe to be parted at all.

“I should head home,” he muttered.

The hand that landed on his thigh was startling and his head all but snapped around at Steve, who at least had the sense to look a little sheepish about it. His partner’s gaze drifted away and Javier didn’t move to shove his hand off him like he should and Steve didn’t think better of it like he expected him to.

For several long moments there was silence until finally, _finally_ , “stay?”

There was only one right answer, one thing to say and yet Javier felt like the words were being stolen from his throat before they made it to his mouth. The heat of his hand was seeping through the denim of his jeans, his fingers clenching just a little like Steve thought he could hold him there forever. He was a weak man, just barely managed to get out, “it’s late Steve.”

“I know,” and his tone was almost pleading. “I know, not long, I just…I don’t want to go to bed yet.”

The thing was, Javier knew that tone well, could pick out the subtle fear in the depths of his eyes and it wasn’t hard to figure out Steve’s nightmares had gotten worse. He’d been stumbling into work with an air of exhaustion around him for a week now, dark circles slowly deepening beneath his eyes and this wasn’t the first time, so Javier had said nothing about it.

He should leave anyway, remind him his wife is just in the other room and she would be more than capable of helping him through them. Those were the right things to say, the easy things to say, yet he didn’t.

Covering Steve’s hand with his own, he gave a tight nod.

His partner’s relief was palpable, slumping at bit in his chair and Javier almost felt bad for him. Nightmares were commonplace for himself, something to be endured and it was obvious Steve still wasn’t quite used to them.

Silence hung heavy between them for several long moments and Steve wasn’t really looking at him, eyes far away. Javier wasn’t sure what to do from here, found himself fixating on the way his partner still hadn’t let go of him, their ankles were still wrapped around each other and he rapidly felt like he was losing control of the situation. 

“I wanted-” Steve paused, shook his head a little like he was trying to convince himself to continue. Javier felt his gut twist painfully, glanced at his partner uneasily and willed him not to do something stupid, not to start something he couldn’t finish. “I wanted to let tell you…Connie, she’s…heading back to Miami at the end of the month.”

Javier stared at Steve’s profile, his eyes decidedly fixed across the room and felt his stomach drop. It wasn’t that he was surprised, he wasn’t really, it made sense given the problems they’d been having and sometimes things were easier to work out with a bit of distance. He’d seen the same thing play out with half a dozen other agents, police…hell even Carrillo and his wife. That was almost normal.

No, the problem was Steve’s tone, the way the hand on his thigh flexed, like he was extending an olive branch, like this wasn’t just a bit of news he was sharing with a friend.

He wasn’t stupid, they hadn’t talked about this, whatever _this_ was, hadn’t crossed any lines but the attraction was obvious, and he thought the agreement not to act on it was too. Except, _maybe_ he’d been a little too purposeful in his attempt to ignore it, to pretend that he wasn’t dying for every touch or fond look and _maybe_ this was all his fault.

“Steve,” he started, mind spinning as he tried to find the words to make this all okay. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be,” he finally looked at him again, earnest eyes pleading with him. “It’s okay, really it is. We agreed…this is for the best.”

Javier stared at him, can tell there is more to it than that, wants to ask what exactly it was they talked about and why Steve is so adamant about all this, about him. Yet, he can’t bring himself to, can’t ignore the way his partner is looking at him and can’t be strong enough to a stop to it, as if he ever was. His hand still rested against Steve’s and quietly, slowly, he squeezed his hand and nodded, surrendered himself to the warmth in his chest, surrendered himself to this indescribable thing that had been humming between them since they shook hands on the steps of the embassy, murmured softly, helplessly, “okay, _okay_.”


End file.
